By: TinTin

(mostly for lifelong vagina-owners, but some info might be interesting for new owners or intersex people with individual genitalia)

1. Locate the exact pain/tightness and what exactly causes it. That’s not as obvious at it seems.

a. It could be a hymen situation, some sort of skin or cover or ring that partially closes your vagina some centimeters in. (And I’m really surprised that nobody mentioned that) That would be common if you haven’t had regular penetrative sex. In that case you should feel a narrower part that is not very thick, and behind that your vagina is wide again (when you are relaxed with yourself).
For some people getting rid of that hymen can be painful and cause bleeding. You can consult a gynecologist to help with that if it’s too painful without anesthesia.
Penetration might feel like getting stuck, and the pain would be a localised burning ring area.

Note: In the rare case that the barrier is very thick and/or the opening is tiny (one small finger or less) i.e. the vagina is mostly closed, it might be a form of intersex. If possible, consult a gynecologist who is intersex-friendly.

b. As someone mentioned, you could also have scar tissue, for example from a partially broken or torn hymen, or from other problems. In that case you would have localized pain in very specific areas when you touch or press them, like small wounds. Consult a gynecologist to find out details.

c. If the painful/tight area is along the full length of the vagina, and the vagina cramps during penetration, it could be vaginismus, possibly with a more emotional background. You shouldn’t just try to “get over it” but rather find a self-loving approach possibly with a therapist or self help group.

d. If the pain is along the full vagina or at the end, but only when you insert a finger or object, and the vagina feels very narrow and/or short, but at the same time soft and relaxed, your vagina might be naturally small. Check in with a gynecologist to make sure. In that case, you probably cannot be penetrated by larger sizes. Especially long toys can cause a numb, sickening pain at the end of the vagina when they hit the uterus. Adjust the toy size accordingly.

2. Hardware: It’s not easy to find actual beginner dildos. But try something *really* tiny, like the Tantus Silk Small or smaller. There are anal toys and pegging dildos with a diameter of 2 cm or less. They come curved or straight, and are not very expensive, so you could get a couple and experiment. Gay sex shops often have a large variety and helpful assistants. Google for anal training, beginner, pegging..etc
As mentioned in the article, there are dilator sets that are often advertised for women with vaginismus or trans women after surgery, that start with tiny (1.5cm diameter) dildos and go up 4 or 5 sizes.
Try if you can use one of those small toys. They are mostly in silicone and can be warmed up and lubricated. Don’t feel that you need to “work you way up”. It’s fine if you find just one or two sizes that work.

If you have physiological problems like scar tissue, the pain might be recurring. Don’t force it. Try to find the smallest toy and the best angle that works for you. Be extra careful and gentle. Imagine you are are your own girlfriend and she is in pain.
It could take quite some time to find something that works for you. Be patient. Stay playful. Don’t force anything.

When you have found a shape that works for you: some of these small toys can also be used in a strap on, esp. the dildos for pegging. Or try to find a toy with a similar diameter but longer. Experiment with the strap-on on your own. In case you can’t find anything fitting, there are “make your own silicone dildo” sets.

When you introduce it to a partner, tell them not to move and do all the moving.
After you make that work, go very slowly, with them moving, from there.