By: Alecia

Excellent article! I’m of European descent, but my fiancee is Chinese (a natural born U.S. citizen of Chinese descent – she considers herself Chinese, and is adamantly opposed to using the terms Chinese American or Asian American to refer to herself), and I’ve seen how these sorts of things affect her. I was aware of these issues before we started dating, as I had several Asian American friends in middle and high school (my fiancee included – though I didn’t have any inkling of her future status then!), but loving someone who is subjected to stereotypes and racism on a frequent basis has changed the way I react. I am far, far more likely to call people on their shit. Including my own family, who I still (still!) sometimes catch making racist jokes, despite the fact that I’m going to marry a Chinese woman. My fifteen-year-old brother is the worst offender, and has gotten a barely-restrained talking-to more than once. The only thing that keeps me from screaming outright is the knowledge that it’s based in ignorance rather than malice, and he has no idea he’s being offensive. When he knows he is being offensive, I exercise no restraint.

My fiancee and also hope to have children, and she wants to carry at least one, so every time I witness anything like this or turn on the television to a sea of white faces, I’m reminded that this is a world my kids will have to face, that my fiancee is already facing. A world where they have to deal with homophobia and racism all at once. I get preemptively maternal and it makes me furious and terrified all at once. I can only imagine that those feelings will be amplified if I am actually a parent.

Also, an anecdote: A substitute teacher once asked my Korean American friend if she was Chinese or Japanese. Ironically enough, it was an Asian Studies class. The majority of us were shocked and indignant, but my friend was blase about the whole thing. I wondered why she wasn’t more angry at the time; it wasn’t until I’d been out for a while and begun presenting as very masculine that I realized that it stops being surprising very fast and indignation can be exhausting.