By: Denise Winters

That advice reeks of what annoys me about Savage’s excuse for cheating: no one partner should feel they have the inherent right to decide the future of the relationship without consulting the other(s). I defiantly think the person should seek sex if they desire, but that doesn’t mean the other partner has to accept it. They have a right to seek sexual fulfillment, but not to a relationship with someone else. This advice comes across as emotional manipulation. If one partner no longer wants to go without sex or feels their needs aren’t met, I would hope that after letting their partner know and if their partner was still unable/unwilling to meet those needs, then the conversation would go more along the lines of:

“I’m not okay with the current state of our sex life and would like to open the relationship. I really want to stay with you, but I am just not okay continuing without sex as a part of my life. I understand if an open relationship isn’t something you’re okay with, but if not this, then I think we may need to end this relationship.”

I just really hate the advice given and the kind given by Dan Savage (who often excuses cheating if it is meant to keep the relationship together). Sometimes people are sexually incompatiable, or become that way over time. Sometimes a person is unable/unwilling to have sex and their partner is only willing to wait so long. But regardless, that doesn’t make it okay to cheat on someone or unilaterly decide to open the relationship. It seems like an act of cowardice to me where the one partner decides they don’t want to end the relationship but don’t want to honor it either. As a result, they seek out their needs and desires with no regards to the needs and desires of their partner(s).

In other words, I think this advice by Ali is spot on, a much more healthy way to approach opening a relationship than trying to make a unilateral decision that only takes into account the needs of one partner:
http://www.autostraddle.com/moving-beyond-lesbian-bed-death-and-bridging-the-libido-gap-216151/