By: zella

In reply to hihello.

thank you! I was also really put off by the impracticality of the response – some people are more sensitive to smells, some people do just get smellier (or may struggle with hygiene), and it’s not being mean to acknowledge that! the response is so avoidant and focused on emotional strategies instead of practical ones.

shower sex is a great idea, so are wet wipes. I’m autistic and struggle to shower sometimes, but when a full shower is too overwhelming, washing a few key areas (“bits and pits”) with a washcloth over a sink can make a big difference and is much less overwhelming. even wiping without soap can help! you could also consider a bidet – there are some that are fairly cheap and easy to install that have a “feminine wash” option, or ones that have a short hose you can move around. (bonus: this is also fantastic if you’re menstruating.)

not being open to small adaptations to make your partner more comfortable (while also expecting them to take on 100% of the discomfort) is shitty, even if it’s due to trauma. if someone isn’t able to make small changes like this, perhaps they aren’t ready to date at the moment – which is also totally ok and valid!

but dismissing the problem as being”just LW’s nose” isn’t ok. LW isn’t bringing up the problem as “this is a problem with you as a person and is objectively wrong”, but as “this is an issue for ME specifically, can we do something about it?” it may well be LW’s particular sense of smell that is unusual here instead of a hygiene problem, but I don’t think that framing is helpful. the focus should be on a collaborative solution that they figure out together so it can work for both of them. but that requires both of them to be open to making small adaptations instead of dismissing each other’s needs.

also, I’m sorry, but if you’re interested in ass play you sort of need to be able to have a conversation about hygiene.