By: Pepita

‘They check in about how they take up space as a masc person within our dynamic and I tell them something I’ve felt since day one: “I’m so used to doing emotional labor in relationships, but in our dynamic, you were the one who first reached out vulnerably. You were the one who offered gifts, information about yourself, who asked questions and listened intently even when I wasn’t easily reciprocating. You were the one who was consistent and, I know you present as pretty masc, but I just want to acknowledge that throughout our relationship, you’ve been doing a lot of femme labor, especially when I was in a place where I couldn’t be vulnerable.”’

I find the implicit equation of masculinity with toxicity and fem(me)ininity with softness and vulnerability here so, so deeply weird and troubling. Why do we insist on treating butches like men – acting surprised that they ask questions or listen on dates – because of how they “present” stylistically? There is no reason a ‘masc’ queer would be any more or less likely than a femme one to be vulnerable, generous, or emotionally open. And to call it “femme labor” makes me feel wildly uncomfortable (as a femme). Firstly because I don’t think it’s “labor” to be interested in my partner. Secondly because I don’t think it’s synonymous with fem(me)ininity.